Author Topic: Just don't leave the bag where your 80 lb Lab named Peppers can get to them!  (Read 1225 times)

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  • DroidHost

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    Got my bag in the mail 3 days ago. I was looking for a Duck Tails DVD for my three year old son and stumbled across this childhood favorite of mine. Immediately I added it to the order and couldn't wait to get them.

    Constantly clicking "refresh" on my tracking number it finally came after 2 days of gleeful anticipation. I felt like I was a kid on christmas all over again!

    After 30 minutes of nostalgic Duck Tales and gummies with my toddler son, we went out back to play. I was in heaven! Life just couldn't get any better. Truer words have never been spoken. In fact life turned from heaven to a macabre of unspeakable h*ll and horror. About 7 rounds into a game of beer fueled lawn darts (another ole time family fav) a look of panic and confusion tore onto my son's face. But in that same instant it hit me too and I knew. For the over indulgence of gummy heaven had turned to a h*ll on earth of biblical proportions.

    Parental instincts kick in. All you want to do is reach your child and comfort them. No matter the price. I sprint across the lawn dodging lawn darts and scoop up my bawling son, who's crying "why? daddy why?". I feel the liquified poo running down my arms, but as the parent you don't care. Because it's your child. And Pappa Bear instincts kick in.

    We ran to the sliding glass door. But in a moment, I'm stopped dead in my tracks. It was like in GhostBusters when the Evil Environmental representative Mr. Peck was douched from above by the falling remains of the liquified Stay Pufft Marshmellow Man. It all happened in agonizing slow motion. A waterfall of excrement streaming from my backside. Literally p*ssing s*** everywhere. We couldn't go into the house like this! I needed a solution.

    Then it hit me, like the wave of doom tearing my *ss out. I could try to time the waves and run inside to grab trash bags. After one more backside vomit, I clenched the cheeks shut and ran into the house. Little did I know the Double Matinee of horror was only half over.

    The stench hit me first. Then the unbelievable reality. It's was so bad the mind cannot comprehend. What was this? What was happening? What was I seeing? An 80lb Chocolate Lab, chocolate shot-gunning a putrid mixture of gummy bejeweled kibble and snausages. Everywhere! No wall or cabinet was untouched. Kibble and snausage with colorful little specs was my new wall paper. Standing there in the doorway paralyzed watching my dog wimper and run, spewing poo as if he were a firefighter's hose left unattended.

    And in that moment I was Sgt Elias (Willem Dafoe) in Platoon when he gets gunned down in slow motion with the heart wrenching music playing as my swan song. Round after round of doggie doo "peppering" me as I collapse to my knees. Shielding my son from the barrage..

    That was the second day my dog earned the name "Peppers"
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  • ufo8mymunky

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    That is probably one of the best.
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    What is a lot in this world that I had never seen.
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